Wanting things is embarrassing

or why I’m in my tryhard era

So I’ve started posting more on Instagram — making reels, using hashtags, even joining in with the viral #yapchallenge. And god if it isn’t the most embarrassing thing in the world.

I think because it all feels like a public sign that I want to be bigger than I am on IG. I want more followers, I want brand deals, I want PR packages.

That feels so shameful to admit! Why?? I don’t think those things would be make better or happier, I just think it would be fun to get free stuff in the mail. I was poor growing up and have never had much more money beyond what I’ve needed to live as an adult. And maybe I just want to see what it’s like to have a little bit more than enough?

And actually what I really want is to get hired as an illustrator and one day get a picture book deal and a decent social media following goes a long way there.

But why does it all feel so embarrassing and shameful to admit?

I think because what isn’t okay is to be seen caring about those types of things and most of all to be seen trying.

That flavour of shame feels very connected to the shame of caring about my grades in school, of being a kid that wanted to do her best even in things that maybe didn’t matter, of being thought of as a tryhard.

Dictionary.com says a tryhard is:

an underskilled or untalented participant attempting to compensate with sheer effort in order to succeed.

Or

a person who participates in a game or other activity with too much enthusiasm, emotion, effort, or commitment.

Or

someone creating a false image to appear more attractive or appealing; a phony; a poser.

It’s almost often used an insult.

But I have been the first two… and I think that makes me feel like the third one.

When I’m too enthusiastic or trying too much it feels like I’m a fraud, like I don’t fit in and everyone else can see it.

As Taylor Swift says “sad as it seems, apathy is hot...I’ve been dying just from trying to seem cool.”

But I’m NOT cool or chill or anything like it.

I care deeply. I’m overenthusiastic about just about everything I care about. I’m emotional and sometimes too competitive. And I do try really hard at most things. And I think there’s nothing wrong with making up for a lack of innate skill with sheer effort. In fact I think that’s the secret to success.

There have been times when I’ve maybe had some innate skill or talent — certainly there have been things particularly in academics that came easily to me — but for most things in my life, combining being a tryhard with a deep well of stubbornness has taken me really far.

So where does that leave me now?

If I let the fear and perceived judgment of others stop me from showing up then I’ll never get anywhere I want to be.

So I guess I’ll just become president of the try hard club? Who wants to join me?